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Thursday, September 1, 2022

THE LONG SHIPS (1964)

Ever wanted to see a movie where a pack of horny Vikings unexpectedly find themselves on the loose in a Moorish harem? Well, here's the movie for you! Opening with a portentous back story about a gigantic bell — "The Mother of Voices" — being crafted from the melted-down solid gold spoils of the Crusades, THE LONG SHIPS is the rollicking tale of Rolfe (Richard Widmark, chewing the scenery like nobody's business), a Viking whose ship and crew were lost in a crash-landing near Byzantium, where he spent two years recovering in the care of some monks. 

Richard Widmark, in the midst of an all-scenery diet as Viking scallywag Rolfe. 

 Learning of the legend of the bell, Rolfe makes a meager living in the Muslim streets as a storyteller and makes the mistake of recounting said legend within earshot of some sword-wielding toughs in the employ of Sheik Aly Mansuh (Sidney Poiter, rockin' a James Brown "process"). In no time he's hauled off for torture in hope of extracting the bell's location since Mansuh wants to claim the bell in the name of the Muslim ancestors who got raped, pillaged and murdered to obtain all the gold that went into its manufacture, but the simple truth is that Mansuh's a greedy, sadistic fuck who just wants to add to his already-Croesus-like riches. Rolfe escapes and makes it back to his homeland, where he's not exactly greeted with open arms. The loss of his ship, coupled with some dirty dealing by the local king, has bankrupted his ship-builder dad, and Rolfe is revealed to be considered a lifelong and notoriously towering liar, so when he suggests trying to go after the bell he's greeted with derision. But the necessity to bail himself out — to say nothing of simple human avarice — convinces his dad to aid in the theft of the asshole king's newly-crafted death ship, so in no time at all Rolfe and his little brother, Orm (Russ Tamblyn, aka Riff in WEST SIDE STORY), have rounded up an equally-greedy crew and stolen the king's daughter, Gerda (Beba Loncar) as a hostage (and convenient love interest for Orm). Thus are the seeds for manly pillaging adventure sown.

Cue Yngwie Malmsteen: "I am a Vikiiiiiiiiiing...
 
 From that point on it's one scrape after another for Rolfe and the gang, and while the film feels a bit overlong it's still a lot of fun due to THE LONG SHIPS being a lot more intentionally humorous than just about any other swashbuckling/manly epic I can recall. Widmark looks to me like he understood just how hoary and cheesy his role is, so he performs Rolfe like a smarmy 20th century douchebag and the results are at times jaw-dropping, predating David Carradine's quite similar turn as the titular character in KILL BILL Vol. 2 (2004), only with laughs. Rolfe is impossible not to enjoy and in no time I found myself saying aloud, "This guy's a complete ass-munch!" as he lied without shame or fear of consequence and fucked-up nearly everything he set out to do (although he inevitably comes out on top of things, otherwise the film would have been over about ten minutes in). Other than the powerful motivating factor of sheer greed, there is no reason why any Viking in his right mind would follow him, something his crew (and the kidnapped princess) find out the hard way. 
 
Rolfe bravely (?) awaits his ride on "the Mare of Steel."
 
Also of note is Sidney Poitier's played-so-straight-it's-hilarious villainous role as Mansuh, a Moorish asshole with a mean streak as long as the wall around Byzantium. Nearly every interaction he has with other characters involves some form of torture or violence or the threat thereof, and that treatment even extends to the hot wife (Rosanna Schiaffino) he honestly loves (when she gets out of line he threatens her with a variety of nasty indignities, including being sold off as a slave). I can't recall ever seeing Poitier in a bad guy role, but he's fantastic here and is a joy to watch. Mansuh is one of that rare breed of villains that you totally root for just because you want to see what kind of douchey move he'll pull next, and in that respect he more than does his job. Case in point: after capturing Rolfe and his men for a second time — right after they've had a bit of fun with the ladies in the harem —Mansuh decides to kill Rolfe and enslave his men, ordering them to build him a sturdy Viking-style ship in which to navigate the dangerous seas in search of the Mother of Voices, and his method for Rolfe's execution is both inspired and unspeakably vile. Rolfe is sentenced to "ride the Mare of Steel," in other words he's to be sent on a crotch-first trip down an evil-looking thirty-foot, steeply-inclined razor's edge, which is demonstrated by a poor bastard from Mansuh's own troops who is volunteered for the purpose so Rolfe and company can witness how a true Muslim dies (this is after much bragging of Viking bravery by Rolfe and his men). 
 
The Mare of Steel. Kids, do not try this at home.
 
Too bad this came out in 1964, because that would have made for one hell of a gore effects showcase in the seventies or eighties! 
 
Other than its slight overlength and a theme tune that's repeated so often that it will annoy the shit out of you because of its ubiquity — however it gets played so often your annoyance with it will eventually be worn down to a state of amusement — , THE LONG SHIPS is a lot of fun that would make for an ultra-butch double-feature with 1958's THE VIKINGS. However I would warn women from partaking of that testosterone overload because they just might end up with beards and chest hair as a result of such a concentrated blast of manliness. 
 
The DVD edition: if it looks like Widmark's character just shit his pants, that assessment's not too far off the mark.

Wednesday, August 31, 2022

OF MUSICAL BONDAGE

A friend just asked me for my list if the Top 10 James Bond songs, so here is my opinion, and I urge you to give each a listen:

1. Thunderball (Tom Jones) My favorite, for its summation of Bond himself in its lyrics. That and Jones belting it out like his life depended on it. This is the one that I break out on the rare occasions when I got to karaoke.
2. Tomorrow Never Dies (Sheryl Crow) I love the mournful quality of this one, and I cannot restrain myself from wailing along with the chorus. (Yes, I can hit the notes.)
3. You Only Live Twice (Nancy Sinatra) Evocative and haunting, the perfect theme for Bond's adventure in Japan.
4. Goldfinger (Shirley Bassey) Brassy and bombastic, this is perhaps the definitive Bond theme tune, though over the course of almost sixty years it has become something of a self-parody. A classic nonetheless.
5. A View To A Kill (Duran Duran) An absolute banger and arguably the best thing about the movie. The instrumental version on the B-side of the single also slaps.
6. You Know My Name (Chris Cornell) Fraught with tension, the perfect theme tune with which to reboot the franchise.
7. Where Has Everybody Gone (Pretenders) The oft-overlooked song heard during the end credits of THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, this should have been the lead song rather than that piece of shit titular number by one-hit wonder a-ha.
8. Skyfall (Adele) They had me at Adele, but her gift for heartbreaking vocals lends itself perfectly to one of the more somber entries in the series, especially considering some of the events in the story.
9. Kingston Calypso (Byron Lee and The Dragonaires) One of the many evocative Jamaican numbers from the first Bond outing.
10. We Have All The Time In The World (Louis Armstrong) If you have seen ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE, you know why this made the roster.

Friday, June 3, 2022

PISTOL (2022)

 Never mind the bollocks.

Just made it through PISTOL (2022), Hulu's six-part adaptation of Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones's memoir, LONELY BOY, directed by Danny Boyle of TRAINSPOTTING renown, and as rock biopics go, it's among my favorites. The story of the rise and fall of the Sex Pistols has held me fascinated since it was happening — I first heard them as their disastrous U.S. tour was occurring, so sometime during 1978 — and I was glad to see that the generous 6-hour format allowed for as much of its tapestry as possible. The performances were spot-on, if the actors were all far too attractive to be visually convincing as the people they were portraying (short of starving them and then giving them a steady diet of fistfuls of amphetamines) and with some of them leaning into the legend of the band members' individual characters almost to the point of a live-action cartoon, and from top to bottom the soundtrack is just stellar. 

I fully get that punk is not for everyone, especially not the first wave U.K. flavor, but it spoke to my disenfranchised soul at the time and still resonates with me today, so I heartily recommend it to those who can handle its bleakness. A feel-good story it ain't, and there is no happy ending, other than the fact that all of the original members are still alive. (Remember, Sid Vicious was a replacement for original bassist Glenn Matlock.) RECOMMENDED.

Saturday, May 28, 2022

OBI-WAN KENOBI (2022) or "Here We Go Yet Again..."

 

I can practically smell the patchouli.

Disney STAR WARS continues to treat the franchise like a Play-Doh Fun Factory, with OBI-WAN KENOBI being its latest cranked-out product. Kenobi was my favorite character in the original film, and Ewan McGregor did a good job bringing his younger iteration to life in the prequel trilogy, but now Kenobi is back in what amounts to a pronounced case of ROGUE ONE syndrome, basically yet another prequel that tragically shows how creatively bankrupt those holding the reins are.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: Obi-Wan Kenobi, now a hermit in the wastes of Tattooine, is called out of seclusion to rescue a kidnapped Princess Leia (age 10). We already know the guy hermited himself for something like 20 years, until once more called back to action, and by all accounts he kept the lowest of low profiles, with adventure not being a part of his lifestyle at that time. The current story sees agents of the Empire ruthlessly scouring the galaxy in search of disparate Jedi to stamp out once and for all in the wake of Order 66, so Kenobi works as what amounts to a sushi processor on Tattooine.

I watched the first two chapters and it's all well-realized, but once more it is nothing but a feast of 'Memberberries with little else to offer other than immersive production values. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the STAR WARS galaxy is vast, the very definition of "far-flung," but we keep getting the same locations and situations and, frankly, I am quite sick of it. Though not bad by any means, OBI-WAN KENOBI did not excite me in the least, and when Episode 2 ended, I felt like I watched it for no reason other than to comment on it. It was just kind of...there. Honestly, I could bail now and feel that my life would be in no way diminished by not continuing. I may wait and allow a bit more to accrue before I continue, but I could also easily just walk away. I mean, what's Kenobi, a space wizard, if he has to keep his lightsaber and Force skills hidden? I'll tell you what. A bum.

This is no THE MANDALORIAN. Your mileage, however, may vary.

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

MAY 25th, 1977: KICKED IN THE ASS BY THE FORCE

NOTE: This piece was originally published on THE VAULT OF BUNCHENESS ten years ago, on what was then the 30th anniversary. I re-post it in honor of the 45th.

Remember when you were a little kid and your folks took you to the movies for the first time? I can’t speak for everyone else out there, but I still have clear memories of the first movie I saw in the theater, namely a now obscure animated feature called GULLIVER’S TRAVELS BEYOND THE MOON. I didn’t know at the time that it was a dubbed Japanese import, but I will never forget the feeling of having the movie theater’s Stygian blackness envelop me and remove me from the mundane world, placing me firmly in the fantasy world the flickered onscreen. The largeness of the space only accentuated my own three-year-old smallness in that big, cushioned seat, and being utterly sucked in by the storytelling made me feel a sense of magic and wonder unique to the movies for the first time in my life. For me, going to the movies was that most special of treats, and having proven to my parents that I could be well-behaved and sit spellbound, I went to a hell of a lot of flicks in those pre-VCR days, even attractions that were distinctly not for kids (THE GODFATHER and SERPICO immediately spring to mind). 

My first favorite film was the lavish live action Disney version of 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA (one of many influences that lead me to think of becoming a marine biologist, a field that I did not end up pursuing, but still study as an amateur to this day), eclipsed five years later by JAWS, and, yes, all those stories that you’ve heard about how it literally scared people off out of the oceans for years are absolutely the gospel truth (my mom tells me that after seeing Hitchcock’s PSYCHO in 1960 she was too terrified to take a shower if no one else was in the house for quite some time). Such was the power of cinema in the days before “films by committee.” But no movie-going experience before or since has utterly shaken me to the core as both a film fan and a human being as seeing the original STAR WARS on opening night in May of 1977, an event that occurred quite by accident. 

My father had recently moved back to the New York area after nearly two years near Washington, D.C. (where I had visited him during the Bicentennial and we had seen the legendary INFRA-MAN as a first-run movie), and in one of our many vain attempts to foster any kind of real parent/child relationship we drove into Manhattan one evening, intent on seeing Woody Allen’s ANNIE HALL. When we arrived in the city, we were dismayed to find that every theater that had the movie was sold out for all shows that night and we were simply shit out of luck. We wandered about Times Square for some time, trying to figure out what to do next, when my dad spotted a movie poster outside the Astor Plaza for some film called STAR WARS. There were no people on line for it, and neither one of us was surprised by that since we’d never heard word one about it. Lacking anything better to do, my dad looked at me and said, “You want to give this a shot?” I said, “Why not?” and we entered the nearly deserted foyer. Once popcorn and sodas had been obtained, we took our seats among the roughly eighty people in the place. Soon the lights dimmed and we readied our selves for what would probably be another cheesy sci-fi potboiler (my parents may not have agreed on much, but neither of them ever forgave me for dragging them to see the horrendous Italian borefest WAR BETWEEN THE PLANETS). Assorted trailers came and went, and then the familiar signature tune and logo of 20th Century Fox pictures lit up the screen. Then the audio abruptly went silent and the screen went black, save for tiny blue letters that read, “A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away…” 

Then BAM! 

A blaring musical sting exploded out of the speakers, swiftly cohering into a lush orchestral arrangement, as the camera pulled back on a massive star field to reveal the words “Star Wars.” 

As the title faded further into the distance, a text crawl like those found in the old Flash Gordon serial chapter plays that my father loved during his youth set the scene for the audience. Then a multi-engined spacecraft hauled ass over the camera, firing blast after blast behind it, clearly in an attempt to shake off some pursuing menace. As the embattled cruiser flew into the horizon, the pointed white tip of an obviously bigger vessel loomed into view, itself returning volley after volley at its fleeing prey. And the huge, wedge-shaped ship loomed further onto the screen, giving a clue as to its massive scale. And it kept coming. 

And coming. 

And coming. 

How fucking big was the damned thing??? 

With hugeness like that on display, all I could think of was that this is what a space opera helmed by Cecil B. DeMille would have looked like. And my initial perception was not far from the mark at all; the audience was dropped smack dab into a fully- realized universe of space fantasy, dripping with all manner of indescribable aliens, creatures, robots, spaceships, heroes — both competent and otherwise — lightsaber-wielding warriors, mind-boggling state-of-the-art visual effects, and an asthmatic black-clad villain whose helmet made his head look like a big cock. All of which got capped off with the most spectacular space battle ever seen on film up to that time. In short, everything a lad just a month short of his twelfth birthday would want to see, with the exception of some luscious boobies (which we kinda got anyway since Princess Leia was obviously unencumbered during her stay on the Death Star, especially when she was soaking wet in the trash compactor). When the credits rolled, the entire audience stood and cheered like zealots at a revival meeting. 

Without knowing it, we had become the first generation of STAR WARS cultists. 

Upon reaching the outer lobby I purchased the movie program and pored over every minute detail of the photos that would soon become familiar across the globe, and as my dad and I drove back to his apartment in White Plains neither of us said a word. We were both simply too stunned by the experience. When I returned to school in Westport that Monday, I ranted and raved like a religious fanatic about STAR WARS, and my sixth grade schoolmates looked at me as though they were witnessing my utter mental breakdown. The saddest part was that there was no way for my wild tales to be proven until the film opened in town, something that didn’t happen for another month since this was the days long before multiplexes and saturation openings. But in the end I was proven right, and all of my adolescent contemporaries fell under the spell of STAR WARS and “drank the Kool Aid,” so to speak. 

And the rest was history. 

That’s my story, but please write in with your tale of seeing STAR WARS for the first time, especially if you saw it when it came out. It’s kind of hard to communicate what a kick in the ass that movie gave to the general public at the time, especially when trying to get it across to this current generation who are victims of George Lucas’ — and most of Hollywood’s, for that matter — creative bankruptcy.

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

IS THE MCU MAKING ME GAY?

Regarding Chris Hemsworth's god bod in THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER... 

Jee. Zuss. CHRIST.

I was on Team Evans for years, but this... Lawd hammercy...

Thursday, May 19, 2022

COMING SOON!!!

A saga concludes amid the scattered corpses of brain cells and the violated corpse of a once-beloved franchise.

Well, I made it through to the end of STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER during Wednesday's dialysis, and while it was an unmitigated piece of utter shite, I did not hate it anywhere near as much as I expected to. Is it the worst STAR WARS MOVIE? From a conceptual and narrative standpoint, I would say so, but it certainly didn't bore me, as it threw too much shit at me too quickly for me to think at all about what was unfolding. The pace borders on insane, which is a good thing when you have a plot as nonsensical as this. 

However, while it is a tragic example of everything that's wrong with current blockbuster cinema, especially of the tentpole franchise variety, I found THE RISE OF SKYWALKER entertaining in the same way as I enjoyed the equally indefensible BATMAN AND ROBIN, specifically by thinking of it through the lens of what would have happened of you gave an 8-year-old unlimited access to STAR WARS toys and a video camera and told them to go ahead and make a movie. It would have made about as much sense as THE RISE OF SKYWALKER and probably would please the kiddies in the audience, and it sure would be pretty to look at. (Though I would have been pissed if I paid to endure it in the theater.) 

  Kylo Ren attempts to fight his way out of his own movie. He fails, but at least the filmmakers did him a solid by killing him once and for all, so there's that, I guess.

That said, I have a LOT to say on this mess and I will need a few days to really mull over my thoughts on it and take notes before writing a proper review of it for CINE-MISCREANT.

STAY TUNED...