THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX (2009)

Well! I checked out THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX and was quite pleasantly surprised for a number of reasons.

Porn parodies have been around since Day One and the majority of them expend little effort in doing anything with what they’re allegedly spoofing other than coming up with a title along the lines of HANNAH DOES HER SISTERS or SHINDLER’S FIST, and once the giggling over such titles has subsided, all viewers are left with is the uninspired uglies-to-uglies wrasslin’ that wouldn’t pass muster even during one’s teenage years. (Well, maybe during one’s more desperate teenage years, but you know what I mean.) Thankfully, THIS AIN’T STAR TREK XXX was made by a batch of pornsters who wear their love of old school STAR TREK on their sleeves (especially screenwriter “Roger Krypton”) and while it’s technically a parody, it’s played totally straight and is therefore quite funny when the humping isn’t in progress (and, if truth be told, sometimes even when it is). In fact, other than featuring different actors and some seriously hardcore sex, this DVD has the look and feel of old school STAR TREK down pat, with the sets, costumes and sound effects being as on the money as the budget would allow (it looks only slightly cheaper than TOS).

The plot — yes, there actually is one — is basically a re-do of “Space Seed,” the TV episode that introduced Ricardo Montalban’s arch villain Khan to the Trek canon, so if you’ve seen that story you know what you’re in for. Once more the Enterprise (which is never seen in an exterior shot) finds the “sleeper” ship Botany Bay and awakens the megalomaniacal Khan, thus setting in motion the conflict between the alpha male histrionics of Khan and Captain Kirk. Khan’s eugenics-derived super-human abilities are more or less forgotten here because, let’s face it, this is still a porno movie, and we’re here to see people in STAR TREK outfits get their hump on and not necessarily fully reenact a TV episode we’ve all seen a million times. The Trek-oriented sexual set-tos involve the following:

Spock (British pork swordsman Tony DeSergio) initiates “assimilation protocol” with one of two unfrozen female aliens aboard the Botany Bay. The first alien girl — also apparently her name — is played by the all-natural and very frisky Jenna Haze, Adult Video News’ 2009 Performer of the Year, and if her performance here is any indication of what’s she’s capable of, she certainly earned that accolade with flying colors. Her character states that she was "dipped in Venus juice at birth," which aids in her sole purpose for existing, namely to please men (thus making her, as she herself puts it, "the most popular female on the ship"). As a rule I usually hate blowjob sequences, but this fuck scene gets things rolling when Haze gives Spock the most impressive beejay I've ever witnessed, a virtuoso bit of fellatio intended to get the stoic Vulcan to break character and show some emotion. Seriously, it was truly a thing of beauty. Oh, and Haze’s costume is a different-colored semi-ringer for the one worn by Roger Korby’s android Andrea in the Original Series episode “What Are Little Girls made Of?”

Jenna Haze as "Alien Girl," the character who made this one an instant classic.

Next we get Nick Manning as Khan lording it ultra-macho-style over the delectable Aurora Snow as eventual turncoat Marla McGivers (a character also found in the original story, only now her deeply-dicked motivation for betraying the Enterprise being made explicit as opposed to implicit). How Manning kept up not only a straight face but also a completely insane grimace throughout is something to be pondered, and he’s a riot, while Snow is a delight to the eyes.

Khan (Nick Manning) plots, while Marla McGivers (Aurora Snow) finds herself wetter than Aquaman's Speedo.

When Kirk (an amusingly Shatneresque Evan Stone) gets the spotlight, he’s matched with Sasha Grey as a mouthwatering Vulcan in an outfit that would have been right at home on TOS.(R.I.P., Bill Theiss.) She's the other female from the Botany bay and she's there to warn Kirk of Khan's true intentions, but luckily for him (and us), before she can impart her info the Vulcan lady mentions that she is afflicted with Pon Farr, and if you know your Vulcan xenobiology, you know what that means… Being the selfless guy that he is, Kirk administers the cure for the “blood fever” right there on the transporter platform, an heroic act that made me wonder what happened to the transporter operator during the inter-species horizontal mambo. Next to T’Pol from ENTERPRISE, Grey is simply the hottest Vulcan ever seen, and I thank her for that bit of “fan service,” as the Japanese call it.

Sasha Grey as perhaps the most visually enchanting Vulcan yet to hit the screen.

Meanwhile in sickbay, Dr. McCoy (Cheyne Collins) and Nurse Chapel (Codi Carmichael) must ward off the potentially fatal effects of an airborne pathogen released by Khan, and the only way to counter its effects is by unleashing certain endorphins… You do the math.

Evan Stone as Captain Kirk, afflicted and in need of a cure...

Following that bit of business, Kirk finds himself afflicted with the pathogen (allowing Evan Stone to really let loose with the outright Shatnerism) and takes the good doctor’s advice as to the cure, engaging in an on-the-bridge threesome with Spock and Lt. Uhura (Jada Fire, whose brief bits of dialogue were wisely dubbed, if the behind the scenes footage is any indication of her verbal delivery). And before you K/S freaks out there get too lathered up, Kirk and Spock do not do each other, but a shared-orifice DP is about as close as it gets to that. (I guess you’ll have to wait for the all-male parody to scratch that itch.) This scene is by far the least inspired and most perfunctory of the lot, and for those of you who hate “facials,” the two-man pecker snot bombardment seen at the end of this sequence is especially nasty thanks to the pearlescent aspect of the guys’ semen starkly contrasting with Uhura’s very dark complexion, really driving home how much taking a load directly in the face can make one look just like a seriously-melted candle. (BTW, neither Spock nor Uhura were affected by the pathogen, but how often does one get to make the beast with three backs on the bridge of the USS Enterprise?)

The semi-faithful low-budget remaking of “Space Seed” is utterly beside the point since there are virtually no other actors on hand other than the main cast — there’s no Chekov and both Sulu and Scotty have little more than walk-on parts — so Khan’s lack of a sizable force of supermen and the conspicuous absence of a visible Enterprise crew component would have rendered the plot moot anyway, so we just have to content ourselves with what amounts to a feature-length pornographic cosplay movie. And I, for one, have no problem with that.

THIS AIN’T STAR TREK XXX is very entertaining as contemporary porn flicks go, especially for Trek geeks, and the second disc even includes a sex-free version of the film should you for some reason choose to watch it. Also included on the second disc is an entertaining “Making of” documentary that takes us on a comprehensive tour behind the scenes, complete with cast interviews, a look at the costuming and makeup effects (most notably the Vulcanizing of Sasha Grey, who’s quite pixie-like and dainty when seen out of context of the feature), and plenty of amusing backstage buffoonery. Evan Stone’s David Lee Roth-ish words of warning to men who would enter the porn biz and thereby threaten his own work are hilarious, especially his statements that he and Tony DeSergio would tell the poor bastard in question to show up for a location shoot at some place that doesn’t exist, or that he’d make sure the guy was forced “to work with one of those girls who really, really hates guys, a serious lesbian who’s only in it for the money and will totally take it out on you. Why? Because you’re the new guy!”

The famous Vulcan salute: actually a secret shout-out to those of us who like to "get a taste?"

And while the behind the scenes documentary is fun enough, Jenna Haze gained my undying appreciation for the following quick-witted and funny observation, delivered from the captain's chair:

(Haze makes the Vulcan salute) "It's like a little pussy-eating thing, that's what it is. It's not the Vulcan salute; it's like (sticks tongue between splayed salute fingers) inter-galactic pussy-eating, right? That's what he really meant with that! He doesn't show emotion 'cause he's always buried between somebody's legs. Spock's really a secret pussy-eater, I bet..."

After which she supplements that brilliant observation by confessing to being a geek, but not for Trek, instead preferring Star Wars, video games and werewolf and vampire novels. Gotta love her!

Bottom line, THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX is way more fun than it has any right to be, so if you're both a Trek goon and porn-friendly, you should definitely TRUST YER BUNCHE and check this out. I believe a parody this close to the source material is considered "fair use" but I would not be at all surprised if Hustler could only get away with this once, so enjoy this while you can.